"Biblical Grounds": Angela Paxton Files for Divorce from Ken, Citing His Inability to Stop Being Ken

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except maybe everyone with functioning eyeballs), State Sen. Angela Paxton has finally filed for divorce from Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton. Citing "recent discoveries" and "biblical grounds," Angela has decided that after 38 years of marriage, four kids, and one very public impeachment trial, she’s had enough. Sources say the final straw was when Ken tried to sue their marriage counselor for "unconstitutional interference."

Ken, ever the victim, blamed "countless political attacks" for the split—because nothing says "political attack" like your own wife catching you with your pants down. The man who built his career on "family values" and suing the Biden administration for fun now finds himself on the receiving end of a lawsuit he can’t weasel out of. Poetic justice, really.

Angela, a former school counselor, clearly knows a lost cause when she sees one. She stayed through the impeachment, the alleged affairs, and even that time Ken tried to overturn democracy, but apparently, there’s only so much "discord or conflict of personalities" a person can take. Who knew that "personality conflict" was Texan for "my husband won’t stop embarrassing me in front of the entire state"?

Meanwhile, Ken’s statement on X was a masterclass in deflection, thanking God for their "incredible family" while conveniently ignoring the part where he allegedly blew it up. Classic Paxton—always the martyr, never the problem. Now, the real question is: Will Angela endorse him in his Senate race? Or will she finally realize that supporting Ken Paxton is like trying to baptize a cat—messy, pointless, and doomed from the start?

Stay tuned, folks. This divorce is about to get uglier than Ken’s legal record. And that’s saying something.