EXCLUSIVE: The ‘Dog Days’ Are a Deep-State Plot to Melt Your Brain (And Your Brisket)

Folks, they’re at it again—the so-called "scientists" and "weather experts" want you to believe in something called the "dog days of summer." Oh, sure, they’ll throw around fancy terms like "Sirius" and "Canis Major," but let me tell you what’s really going on here. This is just another deep-state psyop to distract you from the real heatwave conspiracy: the government’s secret weather machines are cranking up the thermostat to make us all docile while they replace our beloved Texas barbecue with lab-grown cricket protein. Wake up, sheeple!

First off, they claim these "dog days" are from July 3 to August 11. Convenient, isn’t it? That’s exactly when the globalist elites take their summer vacations in their underground bunkers while the rest of us melt into puddles on the sidewalk. And don’t even get me started on this "Sirius" nonsense. A "scorching" star? Please. That’s just code for the government’s orbital heat-ray satellites, which they’ve been testing since the 1950s. You think it’s a coincidence that the ancient Greeks and Romans blamed Sirius for madness? No! They knew the elites were up to something, but the history books have been scrubbed clean by Big Academia.

And let’s talk about the Egyptians. They "welcomed" Sirius because it predicted Nile floods? Oh, sure, and next you’ll tell me the pyramids were built by aliens (which, by the way, is true—but that’s a rant for another day). The real story? The pharaohs were in cahoots with the same shadowy figures who now control our thermostats. They’ve been playing the long game, folks.

Now, they’ll try to guilt-trip you with "pet heat safety" tips. "Don’t leave Fido in the car!" they cry. But here’s the kicker: They’re the ones making it hot enough to fry an egg on your dashboard! This is all part of the plan to make you dependent on government-approved "cooling centers" where they’ll microchip your pets—and probably you, too, while you’re not looking.

So next time some smug meteorologist tells you the "dog days" are just a celestial coincidence, remember: the truth is out there. And it’s probably being suppressed by Big Weather. Stay vigilant, stay hydrated (with non-fluoridated water, of course), and for the love of liberty, keep grilling that brisket. The elites hate that.