Tragedy Strikes (Again) at Camp Mystic: Thoughts, Prayers, and Zero Accountability

In a shocking turn of events that has absolutely nothing to do with climate change, poor infrastructure planning, or the reckless prioritization of profit over safety, yet another Austin child has tragically perished in the idyllic Camp Mystic floodwaters. The Pohls, devastated but still managing to craft a perfectly poignant press release, described their daughter Abby as a "magical life force"—which, let’s be honest, is just so much more poetic than "victim of gross negligence."

Meanwhile, the camp’s owners have assured everyone that this was just a "freak accident" and not at all the predictable result of building a children’s summer paradise in a known floodplain. "The Guadalupe River has never behaved like this before," insisted one executive, conveniently forgetting the last three times it did.

And let’s not overlook the real heroes here: the media, who have graciously agreed to respect the family’s privacy (after publishing their names, schools, and heart-wrenching quotes, of course). Thoughts and prayers are totally going to fix this—just like they fixed the other 95 deaths. But hey, at least the Pohls can take comfort in knowing their daughter’s "mischievous twinkle" will live on in the annals of tragic news cycles.

In related news, Camp Mystic is already accepting deposits for next summer. Act fast—spots fill up quicker than a riverbank in a storm!"