Trump Tours Texas Floods, Shocks Nation By Not Suggesting Nuking the Water

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, President Donald J. Trump has descended upon the great state of Texas—not to play golf, not to sell NFTs, but to checks notes… express sympathy for flood victims. That’s right, folks. The man who once suggested nuking hurricanes is now advocating for alarm systems like some kind of budget Batman.

Trump’s visit to Kerrville comes just days after catastrophic floods turned the Hill Country into a real-life version of Waterworld, minus the cool jet skis. Over 160 people are still missing, but don’t worry—Trump’s Truth Social post assures us that the Coast Guard and Texas first responders have already saved more than 850 lives. That’s right, folks. The math is simple: if you subtract the missing from the saved, you get… well, let’s just say it’s alternative accounting.

In a rare moment of coherence, Trump called the floods "horrible"—a word he usually reserves for CNN and wind turbines—before blessing Texas not once, but twice. Because if there’s one thing Texans need right now, it’s divine intervention from a man who once tried to buy Greenland.

But the real kicker? Trump’s sudden enthusiasm for alarm systems. Yes, the same man who once suggested injecting bleach is now all about early warning technology. Local officials, still reeling from the disaster, must be thrilled to hear that the president has imagined they might install alarms. Groundbreaking stuff.

Meanwhile, Governor Greg Abbott is reportedly adding "flood warnings" to his legislative agenda—right between "banning books" and "outlawing rainbows." Because nothing says "preparedness" like waiting until after a disaster to discuss preparedness.

So tune in, folks! Watch live as Trump tours the wreckage, shakes a few hands, and possibly—just possibly—blames the floods on undocumented immigrants, windmills, or Hunter Biden’s laptop. Because in the end, isn’t that what disaster relief is all about?

This article was fact-checked by absolutely no one. Stay vigilant, sheeple.