'Thoughts and Prayers' and Blame: Trump’s Masterclass in Disaster PR

In a stunning display of presidential benevolence—or what some might call 'election-year damage control'—Donald Trump descended upon flood-ravaged Kerrville like a golden-haired messiah, promising to 'fully fund' recovery efforts while simultaneously blaming Democrats, the media, and probably Bigfoot for the tragedy.

'It’s hard to believe the devastation,' Trump mused, gazing at the wreckage as if it were a poorly rated season of The Apprentice. 'I’ve never seen anything like it.' This, of course, coming from a man who once called Hurricane Maria’s death toll in Puerto Rico 'fake news.' But hey, when the cameras are rolling, even disaster can be a PR opportunity.

Trump, flanked by Dr. Phil (because nothing says 'serious crisis management' like a daytime TV psychologist), took time to assure grieving families that their lost loved ones were now in God’s hands—conveniently sidestepping the fact that God might’ve appreciated a working flood siren system, which Texas repeatedly denied funding for. But why warn people when you can just pray afterward, right?

When a brave CBS reporter dared to ask if residents could’ve been warned sooner, Trump snapped, 'Only an evil person would ask a question like that.' Ah yes, the classic Trump deflection: if you question me, you’re not just wrong—you’re evil. Meanwhile, Governor Greg Abbott chimed in with his own nugget of wisdom: 'Pointing fingers is for losers.' Unless, of course, those fingers are pointing at Democrats, in which case it’s practically a state sport.

Democrats, ever the buzzkills, had the audacity to suggest that maybe—just maybe—slashing FEMA’s budget and leaving National Weather Service positions vacant wasn’t the best move when you live in a state prone to biblical flooding. Trump, ever the uniter, dismissed their concerns as 'distractions' and implied they’d 'ruin our nation.' Because nothing unites a grieving community like partisan mudslinging.

Meanwhile, in Kerrville, residents sifted through the wreckage, their spirits lifted only by the knowledge that their suffering had provided a picturesque backdrop for a presidential photo op. 'We’re thankful because we feel like he’s working for the people,' said one resident, presumably while staring into the hollow void of existential despair.

As Trump jet-setted back to Mar-a-Lago, Homeland Security Secretary Noem offered her own brand of comfort, urging families to 'write down memories' of their lost loved ones. Because nothing says 'government accountability' like scrapbooking your trauma while FEMA struggles to find its checkbook.

So here we are: historic tragedy, historic finger-pointing, and historic promises that will likely be forgotten by the next news cycle. But hey, at least Dr. Phil got some good footage. Stay woke, folks. The deep state’s tofu agenda waits for no one—not even flood victims.