SpaceX Granted Permission to Ruin Beach Vibes Forever

In a stunning display of corporate efficiency—or, as the locals call it, "another Tuesday"—SpaceX has been granted permission to turn a pristine South Texas beach into what can only be described as a dystopian sci-fi set. Cameron County commissioners, in a bold move that shocked absolutely no one, voted 3-1 to let Elon Musk’s rocket circus build a liquid oxygen plant right next to the sand dunes. Because nothing says "beachfront property" like an industrial gas refinery, am I right?

The facility, which will include a 159-foot tower (because who doesn’t want a 15-story metal phallus looming over their sunset stroll?), is set to be constructed a whopping 280 feet from the vegetation line. That’s right, folks—SpaceX graciously agreed to move the project an extra 50 feet inland after someone probably muttered, "Uh, maybe don’t put it right on top of the dunes?" Truly, a Herculean compromise.

To soothe the environmentalists (or, as SpaceX calls them, "obstacles to progress"), the company submitted a mitigation plan that reads like a corporate version of "I’ll clean my room later, Mom." They’ll totally restore the dunes they destroy—pinky swear! And if they don’t? Well, the Texas General Land Office might wag a finger at them. Maybe. Eventually. Probably after another Starship explosion dumps a few more tons of debris into the Gulf.

Local residents, bless their hearts, showed up to voice concerns about the project. Their reward? A masterclass in bureaucratic shrugs. "We hear you," said officials, while simultaneously fast-tracking the permit. One activist lamented that the county was "falling over to please SpaceX," which is like saying water is wet or Elon Musk’s Twitter feed is unhinged.

But let’s not forget the real heroes here: the trucks. SpaceX claims this plant will eliminate the need for 200 gas deliveries per launch. That’s 200 fewer trucks clogging up the roads, which means 200 fewer opportunities for a driver to accidentally yeet a tanker of liquid oxygen into a Whataburger. Progress!

So, as the dunes prepare to host their new industrial overlord, we can all take comfort in knowing that Cameron County’s priorities are crystal clear: when in doubt, side with the billionaire. After all, who needs untouched nature when you can have a rocket factory with a view?