"School Choice" or Just Another Way for Rich Texans to Dodge Public Schools?

In a groundbreaking move that will surely revolutionize the way affluent parents avoid mingling with those children, Texas has unveiled its shiny new private school voucher program. Because nothing says "educational equity" like siphoning public funds into institutions where the dress code is stricter than the academic standards and the tuition costs more than a luxury SUV.

Governor Greg Abbott, ever the champion of fiscal responsibility, has promised this will be the "largest initial launch" of such a program in any state—because if there’s one thing Texas excels at, it’s doing things bigger, if not better. Families can now look forward to receiving a cool $10,500 per child (or $30,000 if little Brayden has a diagnosed aversion to common-core math) to spend on private schooling, where the real value lies in avoiding the horrors of public school cafeterias and, God forbid, diverse peer groups.

Of course, the program is being marketed as a lifeline for low-income families and special education students—because nothing tugs at heartstrings like a wealthy suburban mom clutching her pearls over the idea of underprivileged kids while ensuring her own offspring never have to share a classroom with them. Rest assured, the accredited private schools participating in this program have been rigorously vetted—meaning they’ve at least heard of the concept of education, even if their primary focus is ensuring students can recite Bible verses or identify organic quinoa on sight.

Meanwhile, public schools—already operating on budgets tighter than Heather Worthington’s yoga pants—will watch helplessly as yet another stream of funding evaporates into the elite ether. But hey, at least now parents can sleep soundly knowing their tax dollars are hard at work ensuring their child never has to endure the trauma of a public school field trip or, worse, a teacher who believes in evolution.

So, to all the Texas families eagerly awaiting their voucher windfall: Congratulations! Your child’s future is now secure in the hands of institutions where the biggest threat to their education is the possibility of running out of avocado toast at the annual fundraising gala. Meanwhile, the rest of us will just be over here, watching the slow-motion collapse of public education with the same detached amusement as a PTA meeting devolving into a debate over gluten-free bake sale options.