Texas Floods: A Tragic Comedy of Errors (Or Is It a Government Conspiracy?)

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted (except for me, because I’ve been warning you all for years), Texas Governor Greg Abbott has announced that three people are still missing in Travis County after the recent “floods.” That’s right, folks—three whole people. And by “missing,” we all know what that really means: abducted by the radical left-wing environmentalists who orchestrated this so-called “natural disaster” to push their climate change agenda. Wake up, sheeple!

Abbott, looking appropriately somber in his press conference, described the situation as “extraordinarily challenging.” Well, no kidding, Greg. It’s almost like ignoring infrastructure for decades while blaming everything on immigrants and drag queens might have consequences. But hey, at least he was “astonished” by the damage. Astonished! As if a bridge moving six inches is some kind of biblical miracle and not the direct result of Texas’ legendary commitment to cutting corners on public works.

Meanwhile, the Texas Department of Transportation is moving “at lightning speed” to repair the roads. Lightning speed, you say? That’s rich, considering they’ve had since the Alamo to fix this stuff. But sure, let’s all clap because they’re promising to build a new bridge in 60 days—or maybe 40 if they get “significant incentives.” Translation: your tax dollars are about to disappear into the pockets of some contractor who probably donated to Abbott’s campaign.

And let’s not forget the real victims here: the poor, stranded commuters of Marble Falls and Lago Vista. How will they survive without their precious bridge? Will they have to carpool? Take a canoe? The horror! Meanwhile, the rest of us are just waiting for Abbott to blame the floods on transgender athletes or maybe declare that the water is actually a liberal hoax. Stay tuned, folks. The circus is just getting started.