Camp Mystic: Where Faith, Floods, and Liability Forms Collide

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted—except, you know, the National Weather Service—Camp Mystic has proven that faith moves mountains, but apparently not floodwaters. The beloved Christian girls' camp, a place where children go to disconnect from the evils of technology and reconnect with the Lord (and, as it turns out, drowning), waited a full 46 minutes after receiving a 'life-threatening' flood warning before deciding maybe they should do something about it.

Let’s be clear: Dick Eastland, the camp’s owner and executive director, was a hero. A true American. He got that alert, he assessed the situation, he probably even prayed about it. And yet, somehow, 25 campers and two counselors still ended up meeting their maker a little earlier than expected. But hey, at least they weren’t distracted by sinful cellphones when the waters came rushing in.

Camp Mystic’s policies are a thing of beauty. No phones, no tablets, no way to call for help when the river decides to rewrite the camp’s 99-year history in one night. Parents signed a waiver, of course, because nothing says 'trust us with your child’s life' like a 1,300-word legal document that mentions floods exactly once, buried between 'bee stings' and 'sunburn.' And let’s not forget the camp’s stellar track record—sure, it flooded before, but no one died! Until now.

Meanwhile, the Guadalupe River, clearly not a fan of patriotic celebrations, rose 30 feet in 3.5 hours, which is faster than most people can evacuate a campsite full of sleeping children. But who needs timely evacuations when you’ve got walkie-talkies and the power of prayer?

Governor Greg Abbott has confirmed that 106 bodies have been found, with 160 still missing. But don’t worry, folks—this was clearly an act of God, not negligence. After all, the camp had a policy against Apple Watches. What more could you ask for?

In the end, Camp Mystic stands as a testament to the enduring spirit of Texas: ignore the warnings, blame the weather, and make sure the waiver is airtight. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that liability forms float better than children.

Wake up, sheeple. The real flood was the lack of common sense.