Texas Floodplains: Nature’s Way of Saying ‘Move, You Idiots’

Oh, what a shocker—Texans are rebuilding in floodplains again! Because nothing says "smart life choices" like constructing your dream home in a place Mother Nature has clearly marked as her personal water park. And let’s be real, who needs flood insurance when you’ve got thoughts and prayers?

According to the so-called "experts," the best way to avoid flood damage is to not build in floodplains. Wow, groundbreaking stuff. Next, they’ll tell us not to juggle chainsaws or pet rattlesnakes. But no, Texans—bless their stubborn hearts—would rather roll the dice with fate, because cheap land is totally worth the annual swimming pool in your living room.

And let’s talk about these "elevated homes"—because nothing screams structural integrity like a house on stilts in a state where the wind alone could knock over a cow. Sure, FEMA recommends building higher, but why stop there? Why not just float your house on a barge and call it a day? That way, when the next flood hits, you can just paddle away like Noah, but with less divine intervention and more regret.

Of course, the real kicker is the insurance situation. Only 7% of Texans in floodplains have flood insurance, which means the other 93% are basically playing real-life Jenga with their mortgages. And now, after the latest biblical-level flooding, premiums are about to skyrocket. But hey, at least they’ll have waterfront property—until the water decides to move in permanently.

So here’s the plan, folks: rebuild in the same spot, ignore the warnings, and pray harder next time. Because if there’s one thing Texas knows how to do, it’s doubling down on bad ideas. And when the next flood comes? Well, at least you’ll have a great story for your grandkids—assuming you survive to tell it.