Trump’s Texas Gerrymandering Extravaganza: Because 25 GOP Seats Just Wasn’t Enough

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, former President Donald Trump has demanded that Texas Republicans magically conjure up five new GOP congressional seats out of thin air—or, more accurately, out of heavily gerrymandered district lines. Because nothing says "democracy" like redrawing maps until the opposition party is reduced to a sad little blue puddle in the corner of the state.

Trump, ever the humble statesman, took to Truth Social to announce his grand redistricting scheme, boasting that Texas would be "the biggest one" in his quest to ensure Republicans never lose another election—fair votes be damned. "I think we’ll get five," he declared, with the confidence of a man who has never once questioned his own genius, even when suggesting injecting bleach might cure COVID.

Meanwhile, Texas Democrats, who have somehow not yet been legislated out of existence, responded with what can only be described as performative outrage. U.S. Rep. Lloyd Doggett, a man who has survived more Republican redistricting attempts than a cockroach survives nuclear war, accused Trump of crafting a "Trump map" instead of a Texas map. Bold words from someone whose district has been stretched thinner than a conspiracy theorist’s patience for facts.

Gov. Greg Abbott, never one to miss an opportunity to tighten the GOP’s grip on power, has added redistricting to the special session agenda. Because why solve actual problems like the power grid or housing crisis when you can just… draw more squares on a map until the other side gives up?

Political experts, or as Trump would call them, "losers who went to school too long," are scratching their heads wondering where these five new GOP seats will come from. "Where are they going to find five more seats?" asked one professor, clearly unaware that Republicans have a long history of creative cartography. The answer, of course, is simple: just take them from the Democrats. Democracy is a zero-sum game, right?

And let’s not forget Sen. John Cornyn’s sage observation that Hispanic voters are "rapidly shifting" toward the GOP—a claim backed by absolutely no evidence other than Trump’s uncanny ability to convince people that up is down and election fraud is real. If Republicans keep this up, they might just gerrymander their way into a one-party state. Oh wait, they already did.

So buckle up, Texas. The redistricting circus is coming to town, and if history is any indication, the clowns are running the show.