Austin This Week: Soccer, Flood Relief, and the Eternal Question—Why Are We Like This?

Ah, Austin. The city where the only thing more unpredictable than the weather is the collective decision-making of its residents. This week, we’ve got soccer fever, flood relief benefits, and Comic Con—because nothing says "diverse cultural priorities" like pairing a $1,000-a-plate George Strait dinner with a weekend of grown adults dressed as anime characters. Let’s break it down, bro-style.

First up: Soccer. Or, as the transplants insist on calling it, fútbol. The MLS All-Star Game is coming to Q2 Stadium, which is great news for anyone who’s ever wanted to watch millionaires kick a ball while paying $18 for a Trill Burger (a collaboration so Austin it hurts). The free Soccer Celebration at Auditorium Shores promises "fan zones" and "skill games," which, let’s be real, is just code for "over-caffeinated dads yelling at their kids to ‘pass the ball, Timmy!’" Headliners Grouplove and Sir Woman will provide the soundtrack, because nothing says "sports" like indie folk and vibey alt-pop.

Meanwhile, in the "Things That Actually Matter" department, Robert Earl Keen and George Strait are throwing benefit concerts for flood relief. Keen’s show features Miranda Lambert and Tyler Childers, because nothing soothes the soul like sad country music and the collective trauma of watching your stage float down the Guadalupe. Strait’s event, on the other hand, is $1,000 a head—perfect for the tech bros who just got their Series A funding and need to flex their "philanthropy" on Instagram. Pro tip: If you’re emailing vaquerosdm@gmail.com for tickets, maybe don’t mention your NFT portfolio.

And then there’s Comic Con, where the only thing more intense than the cosplay is the existential dread of realizing you’ve spent $200 on a photo op with the guy who played "Random Stormtrooper #3" in The Mandalorian. The H-E-B Center will be packed with anime lovers, superhero stans, and at least one guy dressed as a "meme lord" who definitely smells like Hot Cheetos and regret. But hey, at least Wheatsville Co-op is moving their iconic pizza dinosaur to a new location, so all is right in the world.

In conclusion: Austin is a beautiful, chaotic mess where you can cry into a $1,000 plate of brisket, cheer for soccer players you’ve never heard of, and high-five a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle—all in the same weekend. Stay hydrated, stay weird, and for the love of God, stop leaving unreleased Beyoncé music in your car. Y’all know better.

—Chad Evans, vaping furiously while drafting his next LinkedIn post about "disrupting flood relief with blockchain."