Greg Abbott’s $20 Million Miracle: How to Buy a Fourth Term (and a Private School)

In a stunning display of what can only be described as "legalized bribery," Governor Greg Abbott has somehow convinced a handful of billionaires and shadowy trusts to dump $20 million into his campaign coffers in just eight days. That’s right, folks—$20 million faster than you can say, "Wait, isn’t that more than most teachers make in a lifetime?" But don’t worry, it’s totally fine because, according to Abbott’s campaign, this is just Texans showing their "unwavering trust" in his leadership. Because nothing says "trust" like a $1 million check from a California billionaire who also owns part of the Lakers. Priorities, people!

Let’s break this down, shall we? First, we’ve got Kenneth Fisher, the financial guru who probably makes more in interest while brushing his teeth than you’ll see in your entire 401(k). Then there’s Edward Roski Jr., a real estate tycoon from California—because, of course, out-of-state billionaires know what’s best for Texas. And let’s not forget Kelcy Warren, the pipeline exec who Abbott conveniently appointed to the UT System board. Coincidence? Absolutely not. It’s just good ol’ Texas cronyism at its finest.

But the real star of the show is the Peachtree Trust, a mysterious entity with no public presence, a freshly minted website, and a tagline that sounds like it was ripped from a bad self-help book: "a living, lasting legacy." When pressed, they claimed to be affiliated with a Georgia church—because nothing says "holy mission" like dumping a cool million into a politician’s campaign. Maybe they’re praying for Abbott’s fourth term? Or maybe they just really, really love vouchers.

Speaking of vouchers, let’s not forget Abbott’s crowning achievement: finally forcing taxpayers to fund private schools while public education crumbles. Bravo, Governor! Nothing says "education reform" like letting AI teach kids while public school teachers work second jobs to pay rent. And hey, with $87.2 million in the war chest, Abbott can afford to buy a lot of AI tutors—or maybe just another private jet. Priorities!

So, to recap: billionaires are happy, private schools are getting taxpayer cash, and the rest of us get to watch as Texas becomes a playground for the ultra-wealthy. But don’t worry, it’s all for the "strong, secure, and prosperous" future of Texas. Or at least, the future of Abbott’s bank account. Wake up, sheeple! The barbecue might be safe for now, but your tax dollars? Not so much.