Guadalupe River Reopens: Is It Safe or Just Another Government Biohazard Experiment?

Ah, the Guadalupe River—nature’s latest attempt at a horror movie sequel. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, the so-called 'experts' are warning you about… checks notes… bacteria. That’s right, folks. Not only did the river swallow RVs and summer camps like a ravenous beast, but now it’s brewing a cocktail of sewage, drug-resistant superbugs, and who knows what else. And yet, the city is reopening parts of it? Classic government logic: 'Sure, it’s a biohazard, but think of the tourism revenue!'

Dr. Chris Glanton, the Chief Medical Officer at Peterson Health, is out here sounding like a doomsday prepper, warning about 'anaerobic infections' and 'multi-drug-resistant bacteria.' But let’s be real—this is just another ploy by Big Pharma to sell more tetanus boosters. They’re probably in cahoots with the same shadowy elites who want to ban barbecue. Wake up, sheeple! The river isn’t dangerous because of 'flooding'—it’s dangerous because the deep state is using it as a testing ground for their latest bioweapon. Why else would they let it reopen while simultaneously telling you not to swim in it? It’s like putting a 'Wet Paint' sign on a shark tank.

And don’t even get me started on the 'recovery efforts.' Six weeks to clear debris? Try six years. By the time they’re done, the river will be so sanitized it’ll be sterile enough for a lab experiment. But hey, at least the bacteria will have plenty of time to evolve into the next pandemic. Maybe then the city council will finally admit they’re just a front for Big Tofua.

So, if you’re itching to take a dip in the Guadalupe, ask yourself: Do you really want to risk becoming Patient Zero in 'The Texas Chainsaw Bacterial Massacre'? Or would you rather stay on dry land, where the only thing you have to fear is the government’s next 'safety advisory'? The choice is yours. But remember—I warned you. Cue ominous music.