Abbott’s Master Plan: Leave Houston Voiceless, Redistrict Into Oblivion

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except for me, because I’ve been screaming about it into a webcam for months), Texas Governor Greg Abbott has once again proven that democracy is just a suggestion—like wearing pants to a Zoom meeting. The tragic passing of Congressman Sylvester Turner has left Houston’s 18th District without representation, but fear not, because Abbott has masterfully turned this tragedy into a political power grab so blatant, even the Founding Fathers are rolling in their graves (or would be, if they weren’t already spinning from all the other nonsense).

While Arizona—a state known for its reasonable decisions, like electing John McCain and then immediately regretting it—has already moved to replace their late congressman, Texas has opted for the more strategic approach: leaving nearly a million voters voiceless in Congress while Abbott and his GOP cronies figure out how to gerrymander the district into oblivion. Why rush democracy when you can just… not have it?

Democrats, of course, are outraged, which in Texas politics means they’ll write a strongly worded tweet before Abbott redistricts them into a parking lot. Former Houston City Council member Amanda Edwards called the move “outrageous,” which is true, but also redundant—this is Greg Abbott we’re talking about. The man would redistrict his own grandmother if it meant flipping a seat red.

And let’s not overlook the real victims here: the shadowy elites who definitely control Houston’s city council and are now panicking because their tofu-based agenda might be delayed. You think this is about voters? Please. This is clearly a deep-state plot to keep Houston from achieving its true destiny as a vegan utopia. Wake up, sheeple!

Meanwhile, Harris County Attorney Christian Menefee is warning that Republicans might try to erase the legacy of Barbara Jordan and Mickey Leland—which, let’s be honest, is exactly what they’re doing. But hey, at least they’re consistent. If there’s one thing Texas Republicans love more than guns and barbecue, it’s making sure Black and Hispanic voters have as little political power as possible.

So buckle up, Houston. Your representation is on hold while Abbott plays Hunger Games with your district lines. And remember: if you don’t like it, just wait for my next livestream, where I’ll explain how this is all part of a globalist plot to replace your Whataburger with kale smoothies. The truth is out there… probably in a heavily gerrymandered district you can’t vote in.