Texas Broke? Blame the Deep State’s Tofu Agenda, Says Local Conspiracy Guru

Folks, I’ve got news that’ll make your boots shake—Texas is officially the most financially distressed state in the union! That’s right, the land of oil, barbecue, and freedom is now the land of maxed-out credit cards and desperate Google searches for "how to sell a kidney." But don’t blame the hardworking Texans—oh no. This is clearly the work of the deep state and their sinister plot to turn us all into broke, tofu-munching liberals.

Let’s break it down. According to WalletHub (which I’m sure is run by a cabal of coastal elites who’ve never even tasted brisket), Texas ranks #1 in financial distress. Ninth-lowest credit scores? Third-highest number of accounts in forbearance? Seventh-highest share of distressed accounts? This isn’t an accident, people. This is economic sabotage. And guess what? The worst-hit states are all red. Coincidence? I think not.

Meanwhile, the states with the least financial distress are all blue—Hawaii, Vermont, Oregon. You know, places where people spend their money on things like organic kale and artisanal kombucha instead of, say, guns and monster trucks. Clearly, the globalists are rewarding their loyal subjects while punishing the patriots. Wake up, sheeple!

And let’s talk about the real culprit here: the Austin city council. While hardworking Texans are struggling to pay their bills, these so-called "leaders" are busy banning plastic bags and installing bike lanes funded by George Soros himself. They want us broke, distracted, and dependent on government handouts—just like California! Well, I’ve got news for them: Texans don’t do handouts. We do side hustles, like selling homemade jerky or turning our trucks into mobile Airbnb rentals.

So next time you see your neighbor selling their prized belt buckle to make rent, don’t judge. Just remember—it’s not their fault. It’s the fault of the shadowy elites who want to replace our cowboy boots with Birkenstocks. Stay vigilant, stay armed, and for the love of all that’s holy, stop Googling "payday loans." The algorithm is watching.