Texas Ice Cream Shops Ranked by Yelp, Because Nothing Says 'Progress' Like Ranking Frozen Cow Juice

Oh, joy. Another listicle celebrating the pinnacle of human achievement: ice cream. Because nothing says "progress" like ranking frozen dairy products while the planet burns. But fear not, dear reader, for Yelp—the same platform that once gave a one-star review to the Grand Canyon for "lack of seating"—has graciously bestowed upon us the definitive ranking of America’s top ice cream shops. And wouldn’t you know it? Texas, the land of barbecue and existential heatstroke, has eleven whole shops on the list. One even cracked the top five! Truly, we are blessed.\n\nLet’s start with the crown jewel: Manolis Ice Cream, Pops, Sorbet & More, Austin’s very own fourth-best ice cream purveyor. A food truck, because of course it is. Nothing says "artisanal" like eating a $12 scoop of dulce de leche while a toddler screams in the play area next to you. But don’t worry—Manolis has vegan options too, because nothing soothes the soul like ethically sourced guilt while you watch the Arctic melt in real time. One Yelp reviewer gushed, 'Everything here is good, period.' Bold claim, Karen. Have you tried not contributing to the dairy-industrial complex? Just a thought.\n\nMeanwhile, Dallas’s Botolino Gelato Artigianale snagged the 14th spot, presumably because nothing says "authentic Italian" like a strip-mall gelato shop in Texas. And let’s not forget Cool Cow Creamery in Kemah, ranking 15th, because if there’s one thing this state needs, it’s more cows being exploited for dessert. But hey, at least they’re local cows, right? That makes it ~sustainable~.\n\nThe list goes on, a veritable who’s-who of places to drown your climate anxiety in sugar. Rollie Rolls Ice Cream in Pflugerville? 23rd. Gelato Paradiso in Austin? 30th. Sugar Pine Creamery in Plano? 36th. It’s almost like Yelp is taunting us with the sheer excess of it all. 'Look at all these flavors!' they whisper, as the last polar bear clings to a melting ice floe. 'Try the Bananas Foster!'\n\nAnd let’s not overlook the real tragedy here: Plant Love Ice Cream, a vegan shop, only made it to ninth place. Ninth! Injustice! Clearly, the masses still prefer their desserts with a side of bovine suffering. But hey, at least we can all agree on one thing: no matter how you spin it, ice cream is just so much more important than, say, healthcare or housing. Priorities, people. Priorities.\n\nSo go forth, dear reader. Indulge in your dairy-laden delights. Ignore the methane emissions. Forget the water waste. Just remember: when the apocalypse comes, at least we’ll know which ice cream shop to loot first.