Texas Lawyers Swarm Flood Tragedy Like Buzzards on a Roadkill Buffet

In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Texas lawyers have descended upon the Hill Country like vultures on a week-old Whataburger. That’s right, folks—while search teams are still combing through the wreckage for missing flood victims, these legal eagles are on the prowl for something far more valuable: clients. Because nothing says "Texas Strong" like turning tragedy into a payday.

Leading the charge is none other than Thomas J. Henry, the personal injury kingpin who’s apparently decided that floods are the new car crashes. His firm’s website boldly declared, "We are taking action!"—which, translated from lawyer-speak, means "We smell settlement money." The page mysteriously vanished faster than a cold beer at a July 4 barbecue after the media started asking questions. Coincidence? Or is the deep state silencing the truth? You decide.

Not to be outdone, Austin’s own Jason Coomer has rebranded himself as the "Texas Flood Lawyer," because why let a good disaster go to waste? Meanwhile, the Oliver Bell Group is "accepting claims" and promising to hold "all parties responsible"—except, of course, for the actual flood. Because suing God is still a tough sell, even in Texas.

But hold on to your tinfoil hats, because not everyone is on board with this legal gold rush. Mikal Watts, a lawyer who’s made a career out of suing everyone from wildfires to hurricanes, actually had the audacity to say, "There is no viable lawsuit here." Clearly, he’s forgotten the first rule of Texas: if it moves, sue it. If it doesn’t move, sue it harder.

Watts had the nerve to call this a "political failure," blaming the state for not installing early warning sirens. But let’s be real—what’s more Texan than ignoring warnings until it’s too late? We’ve been doing it with hurricanes for decades. Why stop now?

And then there’s Camp Mystic, the Christian girls’ camp that’s suddenly Public Enemy No. 1 because its owner dared to die trying to save children instead of hiring a PR firm. The Oliver Bell Group is already sharpening its knives, promising a "comprehensive investigation" into the camp, the county, the state, and probably the guy who sold them the canoes. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that nothing brings people together like a good old-fashioned blame game.

But here’s the kicker: back in 1987, a nearly identical flood led to lawsuits, settlements, and exactly zero changes to prevent this from happening again. So congratulations, Texas! We’ve perfected the cycle of tragedy, litigation, and amnesia. Maybe next time, we’ll just skip the middleman and hand out subpoenas with the evacuation notices.

In the end, the only thing rising faster than the Guadalupe River is the number of lawyers ready to "fight for justice"—or at least a 30% contingency fee. So grab your popcorn, folks. The courtroom drama is just getting started, and something tells me the only thing getting washed away here is common sense.