Texas to Execute Man Based on Science as Solid as a Wet Paper Towel

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except maybe the lizard people who secretly run our judicial system), Texas has once again decided that the best way to handle a controversial case is to just kill the guy and ask questions later. Robert Roberson, a man convicted of shaking his baby to death—despite the fact that "shaken baby syndrome" is about as scientifically sound as my theory that Austin’s bike lanes are a government mind-control experiment—has been given a fresh new execution date. Because nothing says "justice" like doubling down on questionable science and ignoring autism diagnoses until it’s politically convenient.

Let’s break this down for the sheeple who still believe in the "justice system." Roberson’s daughter, Nikki, was chronically ill. She fell out of bed, stopped breathing, and—shocker—doctors found brain trauma. But instead of considering that maybe, just maybe, a sick toddler could have complications from being sick, the state of Texas went full CSI: East Texas and declared, "Nope, dad definitely shook her like a Polaroid picture." Never mind that the lead detective, Brian Wharton, arrested Roberson before the autopsy was even done. That’s not rushing to judgment—that’s speedrunning a wrongful conviction.

And here’s where it gets really spicy. Roberson’s lawyers have been screaming for years that Nikki actually died from pneumonia, not abuse. But Texas, in its infinite wisdom, decided that medical experts are just part of the deep-state cabal trying to turn our children into soy-drinking liberals. So instead of listening to, you know, science, they’re sticking to the tried-and-true Texas method: execute first, ask questions never.

But wait—there’s more! Roberson is autistic, which explains his "lack of emotion" when his daughter died. But of course, the prosecution spun that as "proof" of guilt, because nothing says "cold-blooded killer" like checks notes not crying the right way. And let’s not forget that his lawyers weren’t even allowed to bring in a medical expert to explain his brain injury. Because why let facts get in the way of a good old-fashioned execution?

So here we are, folks. Texas is about to make history by executing a man based on a discredited medical theory, ignored autism, and a detective who apparently thinks due process is optional. But hey, at least Governor Abbott can sleep soundly knowing he upheld the proud Texas tradition of valuing vengeance over justice. Wake up, people! The real crime here isn’t just Roberson’s case—it’s a system that’s shaking us all to death.