Soccer? More Like *Soc-NO*-cer: A Westlake Mom’s Outrage Over Austin’s Latest Public Menace

Oh joy, another excuse for Austin to throw a massive, noisy, traffic-clogging event where people in jerseys scream at a ball. The city’s latest spectacle, the MLS All-Star Week, is upon us, and if you thought Austin couldn’t possibly find another way to disrupt my perfectly scheduled Pilates class with more culture, think again.

First, let’s talk about this so-called "Soccer Celebration" at Auditorium Shores—a place I normally avoid unless I’m power-walking past the unsightly masses of commoners who don’t understand the sanctity of a gated community. Now, it’ll be overrun with people kicking balls, drinking carbonated sugar water (sponsored by Coca-Cola, no less), and—gasp—listening to live music. The horror. GROUPLOVE? More like GROUPDISRUPTION. Do these people not realize some of us have perfectly curated playlists we’d rather not have drowned out by amateur indie rock?

And let’s not forget the real tragedy here: parking. Or rather, the lack thereof. The city’s brilliant solution? "Just take an Uber!" Because nothing says affordable family fun like paying surge pricing to sit in gridlock while some guy named Chad blasts "Seven Nation Army" from his Bluetooth speaker. Or, if you’re really desperate, you can take the bus—where you’ll be crammed in like sardines with people who probably don’t even own a single pair of Lululemons.

The pièce de résistance? The actual All-Star Game at Q2 Stadium, where grown men will sprint around in shorts, pretending this is somehow more important than my HOA meeting about unauthorized lawn ornaments. Liga MX? More like Liga M-Xhausting.

But hey, at least there’s a Prickly Pear Whatafresher from Whataburger. Because nothing complements the chaos of a soccer riot like a neon-colored slushie.

In conclusion, if you need me, I’ll be at home, clutching my pearls and drafting a strongly worded email to the city council about the audacity of public enjoyment. Someone has to uphold the standards around here.