MONOPOLY: Austin Edition—Because Gentrification Wasn’t Expensive Enough

Great news, disruptors and thought leaders! The corporate overlords at Hasbro have finally recognized what we’ve known all along—Austin is basically a real-life Monopoly board where the rich get richer, and the rest of us just hope to land on Free Parking. MONOPOLY: Austin Edition is coming in 2026, and let’s be honest, it’s just a way for transplants to finally understand why we’re all so mad about rent prices.

Barton Springs Pool as Park Place? Genius. Nothing says "I’ve made it" like charging tourists $200 to dip their toes in water that’s legally required to be 68 degrees year-round. And Zilker Park as Boardwalk? Perfect. Just like in real life, you’ll need a six-figure salary to afford a picnic there after parking fees and ACL Fest VIP passes.

The Continental Club as St. James Place is a nice touch, but let’s be real—no one actually goes there unless their parents are in town. And Lady Bird Lake as the railroads? Bold choice. Nothing captures the spirit of Austin like paying $50 to rent a kayak for 20 minutes before realizing you’re terrible at paddling.

But the real winner here is the 'Keep Austin Weird' chance cards. Because nothing says "authentic local experience" like drawing a card that forces you to pay $100 after getting stuck behind a scooter gang on Rainey Street. Or better yet, 'Lose Your Way in the Weirdness'—a.k.a. the official slogan of trying to find parking downtown.

And let’s not forget the Congress Avenue Bat Colony as the utilities. Because if you’re not profiting off an uncontrollable natural phenomenon, are you even playing the Austin game?

In conclusion, MONOPOLY: Austin Edition is the perfect metaphor for our city: overpriced, impossible to win, and somehow still nostalgic for a time when things were cheaper. Just remember—if you land on Sixth Street, do not collect $200. You’ll need it for bail.