DNC Declares War on Texas Maps, Forgets Texans Exist

Oh, here we go again, folks! The DNC’s top brass is swooping into Texas like a vulture circling a dying Whataburger, ready to feast on the scraps of democracy. Chairman Ken Martin, fresh off his latest "defund the police but hire more bodyguards for me" tour, is meeting with Texas Democrats to plot their next move against the GOP’s redistricting efforts. Because nothing says "fighting for the people" like a bunch of out-of-touch elites scheming in a Houston high-rise while actual Texans are still bailing water out of their living rooms.

Martin’s big rallying cry? "If Texas Republicans want a showdown, we will give them a showdown." Oh, the drama! The suspense! Will they filibuster? Will they walk out? Or will they just tweet angrily from their luxury Airbnbs while the rest of us deal with real problems? My money’s on the latter. Meanwhile, Governor Abbott—who, according to Martin, is just a puppet for Donald Trump—is somehow both ignoring flood victims and masterminding a nationwide election-rigging scheme. Impressive multitasking, honestly.

And let’s not forget the real victims here: the Democrats’ fragile egos. They’re still salty about the 2021 redistricting, which they claim was "improperly" drawn based on race. Newsflash: if you keep losing elections, maybe it’s not the maps—maybe it’s your policies. But no, it’s always a conspiracy. The GOP’s secret weapon? Basic math and geography. Truly diabolical.

So buckle up, Texas. The DNC is here to save us from the horrors of… checks notes… fair elections. And if they fail? Well, there’s always the next walkout. Or the next tweetstorm. Or the next fundraiser in Martha’s Vineyard. Priorities, people!