MLS All-Star Week: A Globalist Plot to Replace Your Tacos with Tofu?

Oh, great. Just what Austin needed—another excuse for grown adults to scream at televisions while pretending they understand the offside rule. The 2025 MLS All-Star Week is upon us, folks, and if you thought the city couldn’t get any more insufferable with its obsession over 'the beautiful game,' think again.

Let’s break down this thinly veiled psyop, shall we? First, they lure you in with 'free, family-friendly' events at Auditorium Shores. Free? Nothing’s free, sheeple! That’s just Big Soccer’s way of indoctrinating your kids into their globalist agenda. Live music? Games? Autograph sessions? Sounds suspiciously like a recruitment drive for the New World Order’s foot-soldier training program. Wake up, people!

And then there’s the so-called 'All-Star Game' at Q2 Stadium. You know who else had 'all-star' teams? The Roman gladiators. Coincidence? I think not. This is just another distraction while the city council quietly replaces your beloved breakfast tacos with kale smoothies. Mark my words.

But wait, it gets worse. They’ve even provided a list of 'recommended' sports bars where you can 'soak in the soccer atmosphere.' Let me translate that for you: these are the designated brainwashing hubs where they’ll pump you full of overpriced beer and subliminal messages about 'teamwork' and 'sportsmanship.'

B.D. Riley’s? Irish fare? More like Irish fear—fear of the truth! Black Sheep Lodge? A 'South Lamar favorite' since 2009? Yeah, right. That’s when the deep state really ramped up their operations. And don’t even get me started on Scholz Garten, the 'oldest continuously operated business' in Texas. Continuously operated by whom? The Illuminati? Probably.

And let’s talk about these 'fan clubs' for European teams. Liverpool? Manchester United? Arsenal? These aren’t just harmless hobbies, folks. This is a deliberate ploy to divide us by allegiance while the real players—the shadowy elites—laugh all the way to the bank. Why do you think they’re always chanting in unison? Mind control. Plain and simple.

So, by all means, go ahead and 'enjoy' the MLS All-Star Week. But remember: every time you cheer for a goal, a bureaucrat somewhere is plotting to take away your gas stove. Stay vigilant, Austin. The truth is out there—probably in the form of a poorly marked conspiracy board in my basement.