Tesla Execs Flee Like Cybertrucks From a Charging Station

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except, you know, everyone), Tesla’s North American sales exec Troy Jones has decided to "spend more time with his family"—a corporate euphemism roughly translating to "I’d rather wrestle a grizzly bear than explain another quarterly sales slump to Elon." This marks the latest in Tesla’s ever-growing "Executive Escape Room" challenge, where high-ranking officials flee faster than a Cybertruck with faulty brakes.

Jones’ departure comes hot on the heels of Tesla’s "stellar" Q2 performance, where sales dropped another 13%—proving once again that nothing sells EVs like… well, apparently nothing. Elon Musk, ever the visionary, has pivoted from tweeting memes in Washington to tweeting memes in Austin, presumably while staring at a whiteboard that just says "PROFIT???" in red Sharpie.

But fear not, Tesla stans! The company’s revolutionary robotaxi service is here to save the day—assuming you’re one of the 12 people invited to use it in a three-block radius of downtown Austin. Early adopters report the service works flawlessly, if your definition of "flawlessly" includes cars stopping mid-intersection to contemplate existential dread. Meanwhile, federal regulators are mildly concerned after videos surfaced of driverless Model Ys practicing their interpretive dance routines in oncoming traffic.

And let’s not forget the Optimus robot, Tesla’s answer to the age-old question: "What if Skynet, but with worse PR?" VP Milan Kovac recently resigned to "spend time with his family," which we can only assume means building a bunker before the robots inevitably unionize.

As Tesla’s stock continues its graceful swan dive, one thing is clear: the only thing more volatile than Elon’s Twitter feed is the company’s org chart. But hey, at least the glass for his secret project is really nice. Priorities, people.