Texas Summer Feels ‘Cool’ This Year, But Let’s Not Pretend 92 Degrees Is a ‘Breeze’

Oh, the horror. The absolute travesty of it all. Texas, the land of blistering heat and cowboy boots melting into the pavement, has somehow—somehow—managed to have a summer that doesn’t feel like Satan’s personal sauna. And the people are celebrating? Please. As if 92.4 degrees in San Antonio is some kind of Arctic miracle. Honey, that’s still hotter than my ex’s temper when I unfollowed him on Instagram.\n\nBut let’s all clutch our pearls for Amarillo, the so-called “coolest spot in Texas” with a scorching 87.3-degree average. Wow. Groundbreaking. I’ve had lattes hotter than that. And San Angelo? Four-point-eight degrees below average? Slow clap. You’re basically the Pacific Northwest now. Pack your flannels and prepare for the existential dread.\n\nMeanwhile, the rest of us in Austin are still sweating through our artisanal linen shirts, desperately fanning ourselves with Whole Foods receipts while pretending we don’t miss the dry heat of L.A. (We do. We really do.) And now the forecast is threatening us with upper 90s next week? Excuse me while I dramatically faint onto my ethically sourced bamboo couch.\n\nAnd don’t even get me started on the Gulf’s potential tropical disturbance. Oh, the suspense! Will it rain? Will it not? Will my hair survive? The uncertainty is literally killing me—or at least my blowout. But hey, at least it’s not 110 degrees, right? …Right?\n\nAnyway, if you need me, I’ll be in my apartment, aggressively Googling “how to move back to California without admitting defeat.” Stay cool, Texas. Or, you know, try.