Gerrymandering 101: How Texas Republicans Turn Democracy Into a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Book (Where You Lose Every Time)

Ah, the Texas Legislature is at it again—redrawing district lines like a toddler with a crayon and a napkin. But don’t worry, folks, this isn’t about rigging elections—oh no, it’s just a coincidence that these new maps somehow always favor the GOP. Must be the magic of democracy, or as I like to call it, 'The Art of the Gerrymander.'

Let’s break it down for the normies who still believe in 'fair representation.' The state’s Republican overlords—sorry, elected officials—are gathering for a special session to 'adjust' district boundaries. And by 'adjust,' they mean 'ensure that Democrats never win another seat in Texas again.' It’s not cheating; it’s strategic cartography.

Now, the mainstream media will tell you this is about 'communities of interest' and 'equal representation.' But we all know the truth: this is about making sure your congressman isn’t just your representative—he’s your owner. That’s right, folks. You don’t pick your politician; your politician picks you. It’s like Tinder, but instead of swiping right, you get stuck with some guy who thinks wind turbines cause cancer.

And let’s talk about these 'sophisticated computer programs' they use to draw the maps. These aren’t just any algorithms—they’re dark magic designed by the same people who probably rigged the 2020 election (allegedly). They know everything about you: your voting habits, your income, even whether you’re a dog or cat person. (Spoiler: If you’re a cat person, they’re definitely putting you in a district with other 'eccentric' voters.)

But here’s the real kicker: no matter how they slice and dice the state, your voice doesn’t matter. You could be a hardcore conservative in Austin or a liberal in Lubbock, and guess what? The map drawers have already decided whether your vote will count or be drowned out by a sea of opposition. It’s like being assigned a Hogwarts house, except instead of Gryffindor or Slytherin, you get 'Permanently Ignored' or 'Occasionally Pandered To.'

So, as the legislature gets to work 'balancing' districts, just remember: this isn’t about fairness. It’s about power. And if you think you have any say in the matter, well… bless your heart. Maybe next decade, when they redraw the lines again—assuming Texas hasn’t seceded by then. Stay vigilant, patriots. The tofu lobby is watching.