Austin Protesters Demand Flood Relief, Immediately Make It About Everything Else

Oh, what a shocker—another gathering of 'concerned citizens' outside the Governor’s Mansion, clutching their organic kombucha and screaming about 'flood relief' while secretly plotting to turn Texas into a socialist utopia. Because nothing says 'urgent crisis' like a bunch of Austinites who probably can’t even change a tire demanding that Greg Abbott drop everything to address… checks notes… redistricting and abortion pills.

Let’s be real, folks. This so-called 'protest' was just another excuse for the usual suspects—City Councilperson Zohaib Qadri, the Black Austin Democrats PAC, and a rogue’s gallery of professional agitators—to grandstand about how evil Republicans are. Because clearly, the real emergency isn’t the floods; it’s the fact that Texas might actually get more Republican seats in Congress. The horror!

And don’t even get me started on the 'focus on flooding' chant. Sure, because Greg Abbott personally controls the weather, right? Maybe if these protesters spent less time yelling into megaphones and more time building an ark, we wouldn’t be in this mess. But no, they’d rather blame Abbott for… checks notes again… daring to call a special session to address conservative priorities. The audacity!

Then there’s Pooja Sethi, the former Travis County Democratic Party chair, calling redistricting 'dishonest' and 'cheating.' Oh, the irony! Because we all know Democrats would never engage in such underhanded tactics. Cough gerrymandering in Illinois cough. And let’s not forget Amanda Zurawski, the reproductive rights advocate, who somehow thinks restricting abortion medication is worse than, you know, actual flooding. Priorities, people!

And of course, no protest would be complete without a 16-year-old 'policy director' lecturing us on how eliminating the STAAR test is a political move. Sweetheart, maybe focus on passing algebra before you start dictating education policy. But hey, at least Nancy Thompson of 'Mothers Against Greg Abbott' showed up—because nothing says 'credible movement' like a Facebook group with a grudge.

In the end, this was just another circus orchestrated by the usual suspects—Indivisible Rosedale, Mothers for Democracy (which sounds like a front for a suburban wine club), and other groups who’ve never met a conservative policy they didn’t want to scream about. Wake up, sheeple! The real flood here is the tidal wave of liberal tears. Stay vigilant, and stock up on ammo—just in case the deep state tries to replace our barbecue with tofu.