BREAKING: East Austin 'Crime Wave' Just a Deep-State Plot to Replace BBQ with Tofu

Folks, it's happening again. The so-called 'crime wave' in East Austin is just another deep-state orchestrated distraction to push small businesses out and make way for their tofu-serving, kombucha-brewing, bike-lane-loving utopia. Wake up, sheeple!

First, they came for the plant stores. Then, the oyster bars. Next? Your favorite taco truck. Casey Buckingham, owner of The Plant Society, claims she was 'violated' when her iPad was stolen. But let me ask you this—why was her security system even connected to the cloud? That’s right, folks. Big Tech surveillance. Coincidence? I think not.

And Kevin Le, the oyster bar owner, says he’s 'hesitating to invest' because the city won’t 'do something.' Oh, they’ll do something alright—they’ll install more bike lanes and raise your property taxes while the real criminals (the ones in City Hall) laugh all the way to the bank.

Mariaha Richmond of La Plancha lost $5,000 because some genius decided to steal—wait for it—business cards and an Apple Watch charger. That’s not a crime spree, that’s a bad episode of 'Storage Wars.' But mark my words, this is all part of the plan. They want you scared. They want you broke. They want you begging for 'solutions' like more police funding (which will mysteriously vanish into the pockets of 'consultants').

And don’t even get me started on the Austin Police Department’s response. 'We’re preparing warrants,' they say. Oh, how reassuring. Meanwhile, the real masterminds—the ones who keep approving luxury condos where your favorite BBQ joint used to be—are sitting pretty, sipping their fair-trade lattes.

So next time your window gets smashed, ask yourself: Who benefits? Not the guy stealing iPads. The elites. The ones who want you to think Austin isn’t safe unless they 'redevelop' it. Stay vigilant, patriots. And for the love of freedom, stop buying iPads.