Greg Abbott’s THC Whiplash: Ban It, Veto It, Ban It Again?

In a stunning display of political whiplash, Governor Greg Abbott has once again flip-flopped on THC regulations, proving that consistency is for people who don’t have a state to mismanage. Just weeks after vetoing a full ban on intoxicating hemp products—because, apparently, even Abbott needs a little something to take the edge off Texas politics—he’s now backpedaling faster than a startled armadillo on I-10.

According to Abbott’s latest proclamation, Texans should only be allowed to consume hemp products that are as exciting as watching paint dry. 'Non-intoxicating hemp only,' he declared, presumably while clutching a pearl necklace made of expired CBD gummies. 'We must protect the children from the horrors of feeling anything at all.'

This, of course, comes after Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick’s crusade to ban anything that might make life in Texas slightly more bearable. Patrick, who famously believes joy is a gateway drug, has been foaming at the mouth to outlaw anything stronger than a chamomile tea. Abbott, ever the political contortionist, initially vetoed Patrick’s draconian bill—only to now suggest that maybe, just maybe, he’d like to ban fun after all.

What’s truly baffling is Abbott’s sudden obsession with milligrams. '3 milligrams of THC or bust,' he says, as if he’s suddenly a chemist instead of a man who once compared a winter storm to a 'little snow.' Meanwhile, Delta-8 and THC-A products remain in a legal gray zone, proving that Texas’ drug laws are about as coherent as a raccoon on espresso.

Abbott’s grand vision? Regulate THC like alcohol—because nothing says 'responsible governance' like letting the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, an agency that can’t even keep up with liquor licenses, oversee yet another substance. Sure, let’s trust the same folks who brought us 'dry counties' to handle this. What could go wrong?

So here we are, folks: another day, another Abbott reversal. One minute he’s vetoing bans, the next he’s endorsing them—all while the rest of us are left wondering if this is governance or just a really bad improv show. Stay tuned for the next episode of 'As the Capitol Turns,' where the only thing higher than the THC levels is the sheer absurdity of Texas politics.