Sixth Street Roulette: Austin’s Newest Extreme Sport

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Austin police have finally arrested a suspect in the latest installment of "Sixth Street Roulette." The game, wildly popular among thrill-seekers and those who enjoy dodging bullets while waiting for their overpriced craft cocktails, reached new heights this March when a 17-year-old contestant allegedly upgraded from playing with toy guns to the real deal.

The suspect, Troy Lee Tanksley, was reportedly taken into custody for what authorities are calling a "separate violent offense"—because why stop at just one felony when you can collect them like Pokémon cards? The Austin Police Department, clearly thrilled to have something to do besides breaking up drunken brawls outside of Barbarella, proudly announced the arrest with all the fanfare of a corporate-sponsored music festival lineup drop.

Lit Lounge, the venue where this particular round of Sixth Street Roulette took place, has since rebranded as "Shot Lounge"—a clever nod to both the establishment’s new ambiance and the fact that patrons now have a 50/50 chance of leaving with a bullet wound or a hangover. Officers arrived at the scene around 1 a.m., which, coincidentally, is also the time when most Sixth Street revelers start questioning their life choices. They found four victims, all of whom were reportedly "fine"—or at least as fine as anyone can be after participating in an impromptu game of "dodge the bullet" in a bar that smells like stale beer and regret.

Tanksley is currently enjoying the Travis County Jail’s hospitality, where the $100,000 bail is just a gentle reminder that justice, much like Sixth Street itself, comes with a hefty price tag. Meanwhile, Austin’s gentrifiers are already eyeing the crime scene for potential condo developments, because nothing says "luxury living" like a view of a former mass shooting location.

In related news, local punk houses are organizing a benefit show to raise money for bulletproof vests—because if you’re going to survive Sixth Street these days, you might as well look stylish doing it.