BREAKING: Sixth Street Shooting Suspect Arrested—City Officials Blame Lack of Vegan Options

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming—except maybe anyone who’s ever been to Sixth Street after midnight—Austin police have finally apprehended the alleged mastermind behind the Lit Lounge Massacre. That’s right, folks, a 17-year-old has been charged with turning a downtown bar into a Wild West reenactment, proving once again that our city’s nightlife scene is just one bad decision away from a Call of Duty lobby.

Authorities claim Troy Lee Tanksley was arrested for an unrelated violent offense, because why stick to just one crime when you can diversify your portfolio? The teen now faces a first-degree felony charge, which, in Austin, probably just means he’ll be sentenced to a sternly worded community service pamphlet and a mandatory workshop on 'Conflict Resolution Through Non-Firearm-Based Communication.'

But let’s not ignore the real tragedy here: the fact that this shooting happened at Lit Lounge, an establishment whose name now feels like a cruel joke. 'Lit'? More like 'Lit Up With Bullets.' And at 1 a.m. on a Saturday? Groundbreaking. If you’re going to commit a mass shooting, at least have the decency to do it during happy hour so the survivors can drown their trauma in half-price margaritas.

Meanwhile, the feds are calling this a 'mass shooting' because four people were injured. Four! That’s barely enough to qualify as a slow Tuesday in Chicago. But hey, in Austin, where the biggest threat used to be overpriced avocado toast, I guess this counts as an apocalypse.

Tanksley’s bond has been set at a cool $100,000—which, in this economy, is roughly equivalent to three months’ rent for a studio apartment east of I-35. So, unless he’s got a generous GoFundMe or a side hustle selling stolen catalytic converters, he might be bunking with Travis County’s finest for a while.

And let’s not forget the real villains here: the shadowy elites who’ve clearly orchestrated this entire crisis to push their anti-Second Amendment agenda. Mark my words, folks—this is all part of the plan to turn Sixth Street into a pedestrianized, tofu-serving, kombucha-only dystopia. Wake up, sheeple! The deep state isn’t just coming for your guns… they’re coming for your right to drunkenly brawl outside a bar at 2 a.m. And that, my friends, is the real crime.