SpaceX to Neighbors: 'Sign This Perpetual Servitude Agreement or Die of Thirst'

In a stunning display of corporate benevolence, SpaceX has graciously offered to provide water to the parched peasants of Starbase—provided they sign away their rights, their dignity, and possibly their firstborn children. The deal, which reads like a dystopian lease agreement from a Black Mirror episode, ensures that residents can enjoy the privilege of hydration only if they agree to vacate their homes whenever Elon Musk feels like blowing something up.

Cameron County, in a move that can only be described as 'boldly incompetent,' decided to cut off water deliveries to these residents without so much as a 'Hey, maybe stock up on bottled water?' The county’s reasoning remains a mystery, though insiders speculate it may have been an attempt to force these holdouts into SpaceX’s loving, contractual embrace.

Meanwhile, Keith Reynolds, a local resident who has somehow resisted the siren song of corporate servitude, described the situation as 'a willful denying of basic services.' But let’s be real, Keith—what’s more American than corporations stepping in to fill the gaps left by failing government infrastructure? Sure, the fine print says SpaceX can turn off the taps whenever they want and offers zero guarantees that the water won’t be laced with rocket fuel, but hey, at least it’s disruptive, right?

And let’s not forget the real heroes here: the Texas legislators who recently handed Starbase officials the power to shut down public beaches and highways for rocket testing. Because nothing says 'freedom' like being told you can’t go to the beach on a Tuesday because a billionaire needs to test his interplanetary fireworks.

So, to the residents of Starbase: you can either die of thirst or sign a Faustian bargain with a company that views you as collateral damage in its quest for Mars. Either way, remember—this is the future you voted for when you didn’t oppose the tech bro takeover. Stay hydrated, comrades. Just not too hydrated.