Texas Declares War on Hemp Gummies, Ignores Actual Problems

Oh, great. Just what Texas needed—another round of politicians playing "Reefer Madness" while pretending they’re saving the children. Governor Greg Abbott, Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick, and the rest of the Austin elite are back at it, waging war against the most dangerous substance known to man: hemp gummies. That’s right, folks. While cartels run wild and fentanyl floods our streets, our fearless leaders are laser-focused on making sure you can’t enjoy a mildly relaxing CBD seltzer without risking a felony.

Let’s break this down. SB 3, the so-called "THC ban," is being peddled as a "life-and-death issue" by Dan Patrick. Because nothing says "public safety crisis" like a 40-year-old mom sipping a hemp-infused tea after yoga. Meanwhile, the same politicians who scream about "small government" are now micromanaging what you can put in your body—unless, of course, it’s a Big Pharma opioid. Then, by all means, knock yourself out.

And let’s talk about the "special session." Thirty whole days dedicated to… what? Making sure no one accidentally gets a buzz from a hemp brownie? Meanwhile, Texas schools are crumbling, the power grid is held together by duct tape, and property taxes are skyrocketing. But sure, let’s prioritize banning delta-8 vapes. Priorities, people!

Here’s the kicker: medical marijuana is technically legal, but only if you’re on death’s door with a notarized letter from God. Got chronic pain? Too bad—unless you’re also diagnosed with an "incurable neurodegenerative disease," in which case, congratulations! You’ve won the right to a weak THC tincture. Everyone else? Enjoy your felony.

And don’t even get me started on the "1,000 feet from a school" rule. Because nothing corrupts the youth faster than the sight of a 30-year-old buying CBD oil at the local smoke shop. Never mind that kids can walk into a gas station and buy enough energy drinks to power a small rocket. But hey, at least they won’t be high while their hearts explode.

So here we are, folks. Texas lawmakers are spending your tax dollars to protect you from the scourge of… hemp. Meanwhile, the real drugs—the ones actually killing people—are everywhere. But sure, let’s pretend banning THC gummies is the hill we want to die on. Wake up, sheeple! The deep state isn’t coming for your guns—they’re coming for your CBD gummies. And if that doesn’t terrify you, you’re clearly not paying attention.