Abbott’s War on Fun: Texas Governor Declares Emergency on Chill

In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except everyone who’s ever met a politician), Governor Greg Abbott has flip-flopped harder than a pancake at a Waffle House. Just last month, Abbott was all about "regulating THC like alcohol," but now he’s suddenly decided that the real enemy is—wait for it—getting high. Shocking, I know.

Abbott, in his infinite wisdom, has decreed that hemp products shall contain no more than 0.3% THC, which is roughly the same potency as a stern look from your grandma. That’s right, folks—Texas is officially the only place where you can legally buy something that does absolutely nothing. But don’t worry, adults over 21 can still enjoy the privilege of purchasing Delta-9, as long as they promise not to have too much fun with it. Because nothing says "freedom" like the government carefully measuring out your joy in milligrams.

Meanwhile, Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick is somewhere fuming, because his dream of banning all THC products—including the ones that don’t even get you high—has been thwarted yet again. Patrick, who apparently believes that the devil’s lettuce is responsible for everything from traffic jams to bad barbecue, must be seething that Abbott’s new plan still allows some THC to exist. The horror.

And let’s not forget Abbott’s grand proclamation that this 180-page bill (which, as of Tuesday, didn’t even exist) will "protect the lives" of those under 21. Because nothing endangers young Texans more than the threat of them accidentally relaxing. Truly, we are living in dark times.

So buckle up, Texas. The only thing more intoxicating than Delta-8 is the sheer absurdity of our state’s leadership. Wake up, sheeple! The government isn’t just coming for your THC—they’re coming for your right to chill. And if you think that’s a conspiracy theory, just wait until they start regulating your brisket.