FAN-GATE: The Government’s Secret Plot to Control Your Breeze

Folks, I’ve got a bone to pick with the so-called "experts" at the U.S. Department of Energy. You know, the same people who probably think wind turbines don’t cause cancer and that the Earth isn’t flat. Now they’re telling us how to point our fans? Give me a break. This is just another ploy by Big Fan to keep us docile while they jack up electricity prices and force us into tiny, windowless pods. Wake up, sheeple!

First off, they claim that fans should face outward on the hot side of your house to "blow hot air out." Oh, really? Then why does my neighbor’s fan, which he insists on pointing directly at my yard, always seem to blow his conspiracy theories straight into my brain? Coincidence? I think not. And don’t even get me started on the shady, cool side of the house. That’s where the government plants their surveillance bushes. You think it’s a coincidence that the "coolest side" is always near the bushes? Open your eyes!

Now, they’re telling us to put fans upstairs because "heat rises." Sure, heat rises—just like the globalist elites want us to believe in basic thermodynamics while they secretly control the weather with their HAARP machines. If heat really rises, why does my basement still feel like a sauna? Answer me that, "scientists."

And let’s talk about the electricity formula. Oh, how convenient—they give us a "simple" formula to calculate fan costs. But what they’re not telling you is that this formula was invented by the same people who brought you "smart meters" that spy on your every move. You think they’re just tracking your fan usage? Think again. Next thing you know, they’ll be taxing us for the air we breathe. Mark my words.

Finally, their "tips" for staying cool are just a thinly veiled attack on the American way of life. "Don’t use your oven," they say. "Take cooler showers." What’s next? No more Fourth of July barbecues? No more hot showers to wash off the truth serum they’re spraying in the chemtrails? This is how they get you—first, they take your fans, then your freedom.

So here’s my advice: Point your fan wherever you darn well please. Better yet, unplug it entirely and stick it in the window as a warning to the elites. And if you really want to stay cool, wrap yourself in tinfoil—it blocks the mind-control rays and the heat. You’re welcome.