"Fiscally Responsible" Lakeway Approves Park Plan After Removing All Fun (And Common Sense)

Oh, rejoice, Lakeway residents! The City Council has graciously decided to spend only $2.6 million of your hard-earned tax dollars on a park that was originally going to cost $3.5 million. What fiscal responsibility! What restraint! Truly, we are blessed to live in a town where our leaders can trim a mere $900,000 off a park budget like it’s a coupon clipped from the Sunday paper.

But let’s not overlook the real hero here: the community feedback. Yes, because nothing says "democracy in action" like a handful of concerned citizens successfully lobbying to move a bike course off the sidewalk. Safety first, people! We can’t have little Timmy learning to ride his Huffy while pedestrians are forced to—gasp—share public space. And thank heavens they scrapped that ghastly idea of fencing off part of the park for schoolchildren. Because nothing ruins the ambiance of a public park like the sound of children playing during school hours. The horror.

Now, let’s talk about the real star of the show: the "Ninja course." Because what every affluent suburban park needs is a place for kids to pretend they’re on American Ninja Warrior while their parents sip $8 lattes and discuss the latest HOA violation. And let’s not forget the amphitheater—because nothing says "community bonding" like watching your neighbor’s tone-deaf rendition of Hamilton on a Tuesday night.

Meanwhile, Council Member Kent O’Brien is out here playing 4D chess with his "intelligent infrastructure" proposal. Wi-Fi for first responders? Underground power lines? What’s next, functional pothole repairs? This man is a visionary. Of course, the council didn’t actually do anything with his idea—just patted him on the back and said, "Good job, sport." But hey, at least they didn’t outright reject it like they do with every proposal that might slightly inconvenience the golf cart brigade.

And finally, the Main Street expansion delay. Because why finish a project on time when you can just push it back a year and blame "traffic changes"? The Square at Lohmans Crossing will now be completed in 2026, just in time for all of us to wonder why we ever needed another overpriced juice bar in the first place.

So there you have it, Lakeway. Your tax dollars at work—slowly, expensively, and with just enough shade structures to keep you from questioning why any of this was necessary in the first place. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go draft an angry email about the lack of valet parking at the new park.