Texas Cities Rank Among 'Best Places to Live'—If You Ignore the Heat, Traffic, and Soul-Crushing Rent

Ah, yes, another glowing report about how Texas cities are just the best places to live—assuming, of course, you enjoy paying $600,000 for a shoebox with a view of a highway, dodging potholes the size of meteor craters, and pretending that 105-degree summers are "just part of the charm." U.S. News & World Report has once again blessed us with their divine wisdom, ranking Austin, Houston, Dallas, and McAllen among the top 25 places for "quality of life." Let’s unpack this masterpiece of selective amnesia, shall we?\n\nFirst up: Austin, the city that sold its soul to Silicon Valley but still wears a "Keep Austin Weird" T-shirt like it means something. Ranked 13th for quality of life, which is impressive considering the median home price is now roughly equivalent to a small European castle. But hey, at least you can drown your sorrows in $18 craft cocktails while watching another beloved dive bar get bulldozed for a luxury condo with a rooftop dog park. Quality of life, baby!\n\nThen there’s Houston, the city where you can experience all four seasons in a single day—if by "seasons" you mean "flood, hurricane, heatstroke, and traffic-induced existential dread." Ranked 15th, because nothing says "high quality of living" like spending half your paycheck on car repairs from hitting potholes that double as municipal swimming pools. But hey, at least the air occasionally smells like barbecue instead of refinery fumes. Progress!\n\nDallas, coming in at a cool 20th, where the only thing more inflated than the median home price is the egos of people who think their city is better than Fort Worth. Sure, you might have to sell a kidney to afford a one-bedroom in Uptown, but at least you can enjoy the thrill of wondering if your apartment complex’s "luxury amenities" include a functioning AC unit. Quality of life, indeed.\n\nAnd finally, McAllen, the dark horse of the list, proving that even a city best known for being near the border and having a H-E-B can make the cut. Ranked 23rd, McAllen is the underdog we didn’t know we needed—a place where the median home price is still (somehow) under $200K, and the biggest natural disaster risk is your abuela’s chancla. Truly, the American Dream.\n\nSo congratulations, Texas! You’ve officially been deemed "livable" by people who clearly haven’t tried to find parking in downtown Austin on a Saturday night. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be under the overpass, writing a zine about how "quality of life" is just capitalist propaganda for "we gentrified the hell out of it."