BREAKING: Texas Disaster Response as Coordinated as a Drunk Rodeo Clown

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted (except for me, because I’ve been screaming about it for years), Texas officials have admitted that their flood response was—wait for it—poorly coordinated. That’s right, folks. The same government that can’t decide whether to ban drag shows or legalize weed also can’t figure out how to warn people about a literal wall of water heading their way.

Nim Kidd, the state’s emergency management chief, stood before lawmakers and delivered the groundbreaking revelation that communication was bad. Groundbreaking, I tell you. Who could have guessed that when you scatter responsibility across hundreds of local entities with "no funding, no carrot, no stick," things might go sideways? Certainly not the geniuses who designed this system.

But here’s the real kicker: Kidd admitted that TDEM had no way to ensure local officials were even awake when disaster struck. That’s right, folks. Your safety depends on whether County Judge Bob remembered to set his alarm before passing out on a pile of barbecue leftovers. And don’t even get me started on the fact that weather forecasters had "no indication" things would get bad. Maybe if they’d consulted the Farmer’s Almanac—or, I don’t know, looked outside—they might’ve noticed the sky was falling.

Meanwhile, lawmakers are doing what they do best: holding hearings where they definitely won’t point fingers (wink, wink). Senator Charles Perry solemnly declared that the committee wasn’t there to "armchair quarterback," which is politician-speak for "we’re going to do absolutely nothing but pretend we care." But fear not! Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick has a brilliant plan: install sirens. Because nothing says "21st-century disaster preparedness" like a technology that was cutting-edge in 1942.

And let’s not forget the real villains here: the floodplains. That’s right, folks. The land itself is conspiring against us. Experts are now suggesting we stop building in places that flood, which is just crazy enough to work—if only Texas weren’t legally required to prioritize oil rigs over human lives.

So, to recap: Texas’ emergency response is a disorganized mess, local officials might be asleep at the wheel, and the solution is sirens. But hey, at least we’re not California, right? Right?