TROPICAL STORM DEXTER? MORE LIKE TROPICAL SCAM DEXTER, SAYS LOCAL CONSPIRACY GURU

Folks, they’re at it again—the so-called "scientists" at the National Hurricane Center want you to believe in their latest weather hoax: "Tropical Storm Dexter." That’s right, they’ve named this alleged storm after a cartoon character, because why not? Next, they’ll claim Hurricane SpongeBob is forming off the coast of Bikini Bottom. Wake up, sheeple!

This "disorganized" system—which, by the way, is exactly how I’d describe the Biden administration—is supposedly drifting toward the Gulf Coast. But let’s be real: this is just another excuse for Big Government to push their climate alarmism and sell more overpriced flood insurance. Mark my words, by the time this "storm" hits, it’ll be downgraded to a light drizzle, but not before local officials use it to justify another round of emergency powers and tofu-based disaster relief rations.

And don’t even get me started on the term "homegrown storm." Sounds suspiciously like something cooked up in a lab, doesn’t it? First, they tell us hurricanes are "natural," then they admit these things form right off our coast like some kind of weather-based sleeper cell. Coincidence? I think not.

Meanwhile, the National Weather Service is already prepping you for "heavy rainfall"—code for "we’re about to blame your flooded driveway on climate change instead of the city’s terrible drainage system." And let’s talk about that "33% chance the storm goes outside the cone" statistic. That’s not science, that’s a weatherman’s version of "trust me, bro."

So before you rush out to buy bottled water and plywood, ask yourself: who really benefits from this storm panic? Big Umbrella? Big Sandbag? Follow the money, people. And while you’re at it, maybe invest in a tinfoil hat—because if this storm mysteriously veers toward Austin, we all know it’s just the deep state trying to disrupt our barbecue supply lines. Stay vigilant.