Austin: Where Dreams Go to Die (But at Least the Tacos Are Good)

Ah, Austin. The city where dreams go to die—but at least they die in a place with decent tacos and a skyline cluttered with cranes building yet another luxury condo no one can afford. According to the latest study by ADP (which, let’s be real, is just a bunch of number-crunchers who’ve never had to split rent four ways in a 500-square-foot apartment), Austin is a "top destination" for college grads. Fourth place, baby! Just behind Raleigh, Milwaukee, and Baltimore—three cities that, until this study, I’m pretty sure no one under 30 could point to on a map.

But hey, Austin’s got it all! A whopping $58,404 annual wage! Adjusted for cost of living, that’s $59,828—which, after taxes, student loans, and the mandatory $8 avocado toast habit, leaves you with roughly enough to buy a used scooter on Craigslist. And don’t worry about rent, folks—it’s "falling." Sure, it’s only falling from "absolutely criminal" to "mildly extortionate," but progress is progress!

Meanwhile, Dallas-Fort Worth is out here offering $50,802 a year, which adjusts to $49,183 because, apparently, living in DFW is like paying for premium gas but getting regular unleaded vibes. Houston’s sitting at a cool $50,142, which, after cost-of-living adjustments, is… $50,032. Wow. Such math. Very adjustment. And poor San Antonio—bless their hearts—is at the bottom of the barrel with $43,476, which somehow becomes $46,386 after adjustments. I don’t know what kind of accounting wizardry that is, but I’d like some of it applied to my Venmo balance.

But let’s not forget the real draw of Austin: the "concentrated presence of technology, health, and financial firms." Translation: You’ll be working for a startup that sells blockchain-based kombucha while your landlord charges you $1,800 a month for a studio apartment with "quirky charm" (read: no dishwasher). And if you’re lucky, you’ll get to network with other over-caffeinated tech bros at a co-working space that smells like stale energy drinks and existential dread.

So pack your bags, grads! Austin’s waiting—with open arms, a dwindling supply of affordable housing, and at least three SXSW badges you’ll never use. Just remember: You’re not being priced out of the city; you’re being "disrupted."