Silicon Hills' Deadliest Predator: The Electric Scooter Strikes Again

In a tragic yet entirely predictable turn of events, another brave soul has fallen victim to Austin’s most ruthless predator: the electric scooter. The victim, whose name has not been released (probably because he was just another tech bro who thought 'YOLO' was a valid transportation strategy), was found lifeless on the sidewalk next to his trusty two-wheeled death trap. Authorities have ruled it an accident, but let’s be real—this was Darwinism in action.

According to the city’s highly scientific audit, Austin averages one scooter-related fatality per year. That’s one too many for the pearl-clutching bureaucrats, who have since cracked down on these silent assassins by—wait for it—reducing the number of scooters and requiring brakes. Groundbreaking. Truly, we are witnessing the dawn of a new era in public safety.

But here’s the real kicker: some scooter companies reported zero crashes in the last two years, while another admitted to 342. That’s either a statistical miracle or proof that Silicon Valley’s 'move fast and break things' ethos has finally extended to human bones.

In response, the city has rolled out even more regulations, because nothing solves a problem like a 20-page PDF no one will read. Soon, scooters will come equipped with headlights, taillights, and—if we’re lucky—a tiny airbag for the rider’s ego.

So next time you hop on a scooter after three margaritas, ask yourself: Is this really worth saving $8 on an Uber? Spoiler: It’s not. But hey, at least you’ll die doing what you love—ignoring common sense and blaming the city for your poor life choices.