Kerr County Floods: A Deep State Plot to Destroy Texas BBQ?

Folks, I’ve got some breaking news for you—news the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know about. That’s right, the so-called "Kerr County floods" were not just an act of nature. Oh no, my friends. This was a coordinated attack by the deep state to distract us from the real crisis: the war on barbecue.

Let’s break it down. First, we’ve got "600 calls for service" in 48 hours. Coincidence? I think not. That’s exactly the kind of chaos the elites love to exploit. And what’s with all these "death investigations"? Sixty calls? Sixteen on one stretch of road? Sounds like someone’s trying to cover up something bigger—maybe a secret underground bunker where they’re stockpiling tofu and kale smoothies.

And don’t even get me started on the Guadalupe River. "Engorged" with water? Please. That river’s been weaponized. I’ve seen the satellite images—totally doctored, by the way—showing mysterious black vans near the riverbanks the night before. You think that’s normal? Wake up, sheeple!

Now, the real kicker? The Kerr County Sheriff’s Office has 63 officers. Sixty-three! That’s not enough to handle a flood, but it’s plenty to enforce the coming mandatory vegan conversion camps. Mark my words, this is just the beginning.

And while we’re mourning the alleged victims, let’s not forget the real tragedy here: the river authority chose tax cuts over flood alerts. Classic government move—cut the budget, blame the weather, and let the chaos unfold. Meanwhile, they’re probably sipping artisanal almond milk lattes in their taxpayer-funded bunkers.

So next time you hear about "flash flooding," ask yourself: Who benefits? Follow the money, folks. Follow. The. Money.

This has been your daily dose of truth. Stay vigilant. Stay paranoid. And for the love of Texas, guard your brisket.