Triple-Digit Temperatures Return: A Love Letter to My Own Suffering

Oh joy, the inferno returns. Just when I thought I could finally stop pretending to enjoy "outdoor activities" like a true Austinite, Mother Nature cranks up the sauna to a crisp 100 degrees. And let’s not forget the humidity—because nothing says "glowing" like sweat pooling in places you didn’t even know could sweat.

According to the National Weather Service, this "heat dome" (sounds like a rejected Beyoncé tour name) is about to park itself over Texas like an unwanted houseguest who won’t take the hint. Heat index values of 102 to 104? Please. That’s just the universe reminding us that we’re all slowly being roasted alive while our air conditioning bills skyrocket to match our existential dread.

But fear not, fellow sufferers! The heat won’t stick around forever—just long enough to ruin any plans you had that didn’t involve lying motionless in front of a fan. And just when you think you’ve survived, here comes the tropical moisture, because what’s a Texas summer without the threat of spontaneous monsoons? Scattered showers and thunderstorms? More like "scattered excuses to cancel plans and blame the weather."

And let’s talk about the real tragedy here: my hair. I moved here for the "vibes," not to look like I’ve been electrocuted by humidity every time I step outside. At this point, I’m convinced Austin’s weather is just a conspiracy to make us all look as disheveled as possible.

So buckle up, y’all. The next few days will be a delightful blend of sweating through your clothes, pretending you like iced coffee more than you actually do, and questioning every life choice that led you to this swampy, sun-scorched purgatory. But hey, at least it’s not 2011, right? ...Right?

Riley Monroe is currently sprawled in front of her AC, Googling "how to move back to LA without admitting defeat."