Zeds Ice Cream Invasion: A Westlake Meltdown

In a shocking turn of events that has sent Westlake’s elite into a tailspin, an ice cream shop—yes, you read that correctly—has dared to infiltrate our sacred, gated paradise. Zeds, a New Zealand-style artisanal (read: overpriced) ice cream purveyor, is opening its third Austin location right here in Westlake Hills, and frankly, the audacity is breathtaking.

First of all, free ice cream? What kind of anarchist marketing tactic is this? Are they trying to lure our children with their so-called "fresh fruit" and "soft-serve-like texture"? Next thing you know, they’ll be handing out toppings without a background check. And don’t even get me started on the smash burgers—because nothing says "refined Westlake dining" like a greasy patty served next to a $12 scoop of blended banana.

Let’s talk about the real issue here: customization. Since when do we allow our desserts to be democratized? Drizzles for 75 cents extra? Toppings for 50 cents? This is a slippery slope, folks. First, it’s gummy bears on ice cream, next it’s chaos in the HOA meetings. And don’t think I didn’t notice the beer and wine on the menu. Are we running an ice cream shop or a frat house?

But the most egregious offense? The location. 3736 Bee Caves Rd., Suite 8—right in the heart of our community. Do they not realize this is Westlake, not some food truck park on South Congress? We have standards. We have property values to uphold. What’s next, a taco stand? A kombucha bar? The horror.

I, for one, will be organizing an emergency PTA meeting to discuss this blatant assault on our suburban utopia. Because if we don’t stand up now, who knows what kind of fruit-based anarchy will take root next?

Stay vigilant, Westlake. And for heaven’s sake, don’t let them put tajin on your ice cream.