SXSW Forced to Descend Into Real Austin Music Scene After Convention Center Implodes

SXSW Forced to Slum It in Actual Music Venues After Convention Center Collapses Under Weight of Corporate Sponsors

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, the Austin Convention Center—that gleaming temple of overpriced wristbands and tech bros "disrupting" things—has crumbled into dust, leaving SXSW organizers scrambling to find a new home. And by "scrambling," I mean they might have to gasp book real music venues where actual bands play for people who don’t expense their $18 IPAs to their Silicon Valley overlords.

Red River Cultural District: The Last Bastion of Austin’s Soul (For Now)

The Red River Cultural District, that scrappy little stretch of dive bars and sweatbox venues where real music still happens, is suddenly being courted by SXSW like a desperate ex who just realized the grass isn’t greener. "We’re better together," says RRCD Executive Director Nicole Klepadlo, which is corporate-speak for "Please, for the love of god, throw us some of that sweet, sweet sponsor money before we all get turned into another luxury condo."

Meanwhile, venue owners are cautiously optimistic, mostly because they’ve been surviving on a diet of PBR and hope for the last decade. "We still have to pay the light bill," says Flamingo Cantina owner Angela Tharp, a phrase that should be etched onto the tombstone of every independent venue in America.

SXSW’s Bold New Vision: Pretending They Always Loved Small Venues

In a stunning display of revisionist history, SXSW’s VP of Music Festival, Brian Hobbs, claims that the RRCD was always "a cornerstone" of their vision. Sure, Brian. And I’m sure the $1,500 badges were always meant to be worn ironically. The plan now is to create a "hyper-localized immersive environment," which is just a fancy way of saying they’ll cram 10,000 people into a 200-cap room and call it "authentic."

Hot Summer Nights: Because Someone Has to Pay the Bands

While SXSW figures out how to gentrify the RRCD, the district’s annual Hot Summer Nights festival is still happening, because apparently, musicians enjoy things like "eating" and "paying rent." Highlights include Nuclear Daisies (who sound like they’ve been mainlining Joy Division), Haha Laughing (who are definitely not a joke, despite the name), and Thelonious Love (who is, in fact, very lovable).

The Future: More Buzzwords, Fewer Affordable Venues

City Council member Qadri assures us that arts funding isn’t "on the chopping block," which is great news for everyone who enjoys watching Austin slowly price out its own culture. "It’s the soul of the city," Qadri says, right before approving another high-rise with a "live music lounge" that will exclusively host DJs playing Ed Sheeran covers.

So here we are, folks. SXSW might finally have to rub elbows with the unwashed masses in real venues, if only for a year or two. Will it save Austin’s music scene? Probably not. But at least we’ll get some good memes out of it. Stay punk, stay poor, and for the love of god, tip your bartenders.