Texas Democrats Flee to Blue States in Desperate Bid to Out-Gerrymander Republicans

In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Texas Democrats have decided to flee the state—again. But this time, instead of hiding out in Washington D.C. like last summer’s dramatic quorum break, they’ve opted for a more scenic route: California and Illinois. Because nothing says “fighting for democracy” like cozying up to Gavin Newsom and J.B. Pritzker, two governors who definitely don’t have their own political skeletons buried under piles of taxpayer money.

According to sources (probably deep state operatives), these brave lawmakers are meeting with Newsom and Pritzker to discuss how to “counterbalance” Texas Republicans’ redistricting efforts. Because if there’s one thing Democrats love, it’s symmetry. If Republicans are going to gerrymander, then by golly, blue states should too! It’s like a game of Monopoly, except instead of Boardwalk, we’re trading congressional seats and the only currency is voter suppression.

Gene Wu, the fearless leader of this delegation, summed it up perfectly: “Since Governor Abbott is acting like a child, we are going to find adults to go talk to.” Yes, because nothing screams “maturity” like jet-setting to other states to complain about your home state’s politics. And let’s be real—if Abbott is a child, then Newsom is that one kid who always brought organic kale chips to lunch and lectured everyone about their carbon footprint.

Meanwhile, Pritzker, Illinois’ very own billionaire governor, called Texas’ redistricting efforts “cheating.” That’s rich coming from a guy whose state’s last redistricting map looked like it was drawn by a toddler with a crayon. But hey, at least Illinois is consistent—consistently corrupt.

Ramón Romero, one of the Texas Democrats making the pilgrimage to Newsom’s court, warned that this is a “national fight.” He’s right. This isn’t just about Texas. This is about whether Democrats can out-gerrymander Republicans in a race to the bottom of American democracy. Spoiler alert: They can’t. As redistricting expert Michael Li pointed out, blue states have already maxed out their gerrymandering potential. It’s like trying to squeeze juice from a turnip that’s already been turned into vegan bacon.

Back in Texas, some Democrats are flirting with another quorum break, because nothing says “effective governance” like refusing to show up to work. State Rep. Ron Reynolds even quoted the late John Lewis, saying he’s ready to “get into good trouble.” Sure, Ron. Because fleeing the state to avoid voting is exactly what Lewis had in mind when he marched across the Edmund Pettus Bridge.

And let’s not forget the real victims here: the Texas House, which wasn’t even meeting on Friday. So while these 15 Democrats were busy racking up frequent flyer miles, their colleagues were probably just sitting at home, wondering if they should’ve joined the field trip.

In conclusion, this whole redistricting fight is less about democracy and more about which side can rig the game better. And if history is any indication, Republicans will win, Democrats will complain, and the rest of us will just be left wondering why we bother paying attention. Wake up, sheeple!