Texas Democrats Roll Out Another Underdog—Because the Last 20 Losses Were Just Warm-Ups

In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming, Texas Democrats have once again dusted off their "Maybe This Time?" playbook and are rolling out a fresh-faced sacrificial lamb—er, candidate—to take on the GOP’s geriatric death squad. Leading the charge is 36-year-old James Talarico, a man who somehow managed to impress Joe Rogan by simultaneously quoting the Bible and advocating for policies that would make Ted Cruz spontaneously combust. Truly, a modern political miracle.

Talarico, who has a "launching soon" website (because nothing screams "serious candidacy" like digital vaporware), is hopping across Texas like a caffeinated kangaroo, riding the wave of his Rogan podcast appearance. Because if there’s one thing Texas Democrats need, it’s the endorsement of a man who once seriously debated whether moon landings were faked.

Meanwhile, Beto O’Rourke, the human embodiment of "third time’s the charm?", is back in the mix, playing political Yoda to a crop of younger Democrats. His strategy? Hoping they don’t all trip over each other in the primaries like a group of toddlers fighting over the last juice box. When asked if he’d run again, Beto gave the kind of non-answer that makes you wonder if he’s running or just really enjoys the sound of his own voice. "I’m open to it," he said, which is political speak for "I’ll decide after I see how many likes my next tweet gets."

The GOP, of course, is fielding its usual lineup of crypt keepers: Greg Abbott, Dan Patrick, and John Cornyn, whose combined age is roughly the same as the state’s founding. Ken Paxton, the AG who’s somehow still allowed to hold office despite more legal drama than a Law & Order marathon, is also in the mix. The GOP’s platform? "We’ve been here forever, and we’ll be here long after you’re dead." Inspiring stuff.

So, as Texas hurtles toward another election cycle, the real question isn’t "Who will win?" (Spoiler: the GOP). It’s "How many times can Democrats lose before they start blaming the voters instead of the candidates?" Place your bets now.

READ MORE: Why Texas Democrats Keep Trying to Make Fetch Happen (Spoiler: It’s never going to happen.)