**Austin’s Glorious Past: Before Uber, Woke Barbecue, and the Tofu Conspiracy**

Ah, Austin—once a proud city of barbecue, bootstraps, and backroom political deals, now just another victim of the woke mob’s tofu-fueled gentrification. Let’s take a stroll down memory lane, back when men were men, taxis were taxis, and no one had heard of Uber—probably because it was too busy plotting with the globalists to destroy small businesses.

1869: Gold Dollar Building – Or, How the Deep State Erased History

Once upon a time, a freedman named George Franklin built a limestone structure that actually meant something. It was a cultural hub, a church, a newspaper office—basically everything Austin used to stand for before the city council decided historical landmarks were better off as coffee shops by day and bars by night. Because nothing says honoring Black history like slapping an eight-story apartment complex around it and calling it progress. And let’s not forget the real tragedy here: Freedman’s Barbecue is gone, replaced by The Cauldron—probably run by some hipster who thinks brisket is problematic.

1931: Roy’s Taxi – The Last Stand of Real Transportation

Roy Velasquez was a hero—a man who served all of Austin, regardless of race, back when that was still legal before the woke cabal took over. But then came Uber and Lyft, those Silicon Valley Trojan horses, sneaking into town with their unregulated rides and algorithmic oppression. And what happened? The taxi industry collapsed, just like the American Dream. Now, the only survivor is Yellow Cab, clinging to life like a cowboy in a dystopian cyberpunk novel. And if you think driverless cars are the future, just wait until they start deciding who gets picked up based on your social credit score. Wake up, sheeple!

1979: The Cloak Room – Where Real Deals Were Made (Before ‘Diversity’ Ruined Everything)

Ah, The Cloak Room—a proper bar, where men in suspenders (not pronouns) gathered to drink whiskey and make backroom deals without some HR rep breathing down their necks. It was dark, it was exclusive, and most importantly, it was smoke-filled—back when secondhand smoke was just character-building. But now? The original bartenders are gone, replaced by new management, probably serving organic kombucha and asking if you identify as a lobbyist. The jukebox might still be there, but let’s be real—it’s probably been reprogrammed to play NPR podcasts.

Conclusion: Austin, We Hardly Knew Ye

Once, this city was built by real people—freedmen, taxi magnates, and politicians who weren’t afraid to make a deal over a stiff drink. Now? It’s just another casualty of the globalist agenda, where history is bulldozed for luxury condos and ride-sharing apps that track your every move. But hey, at least we still have Peter Pan Mini-Golf—for now. Until the city council decides putt-putt is too colonial and replaces it with a vegan meditation garden.

Stay vigilant, Austin. The tofu overlords are watching.