Austin’s Restaurant Roulette: Where Overpriced Avocado Toast Goes to Die

Oh joy, another round of Austin’s culinary carousel where restaurants open and close faster than I can cancel my gym membership. This month’s lineup is a thrilling mix of “we swear this seafood is fresh” and “here’s another coffee shop that will judge you for ordering a basic latte.” Let’s dive in, shall we?

First up, Fish Shop, because what Austin really needed was another place to overpay for oysters while pretending we know the difference between East and West Coast varieties. The owners, Justin and Nicole, are clearly banking on the fact that no one remembers their last venture, but hey, at least the martinis are classic—which, in Austin-speak, means they’ll cost $18 and come with a side of existential dread.

Then there’s La La Land Kind Cafe, a Los Angeles import that’s here to remind us how unkind Austin is by comparison. Their bright yellow branding is so aggressively cheerful it’s basically a visual assault, but don’t worry—the overpriced matcha will numb the pain. Plus, their “kindness” mission is adorable, because nothing says “compassion” like gentrifying a neighborhood with $7 avocado toast.

Chef Laila Bazahm’s Siti is here to “honor her Filipino heritage,” which, in Austin, means white people will flock there for the ‘gram and then complain that the curry is “too spicy.” The menu is a dizzying tour of Southeast Asia, conveniently packaged for folks who think “adventurous eating” means adding sriracha to their breakfast tacos.

And let’s not forget Zeds Westlake, because if there’s one thing Austin’s elite need, it’s a third location where they can watch their ice cream being “artisanaly” blended while discussing their latest cleanse. The smash burgers are a nice touch—nothing pairs better with existential guilt than a side of beef.

Now, for the closings. Jewboy Sub Shop is gone, leaving us to wonder: where will we now get our culturally confused sandwiches? Fear not, the owners promise to “preserve” the menu elsewhere, which probably means we’ll soon see a $15 latke taco at a food truck near you.

And finally, Z’Tejas, the Tex-Mex chain that outlived its relevance by approximately 30 years, has officially shuffled off this mortal coil. The Kyle location’s closure marks the end of an era—an era of mediocre queso and confused tourists asking, “Wait, this isn’t Torchy’s?”

So there you have it, folks. Another month, another batch of restaurants destined to either become Instagram catnip or fade into obscurity. But hey, at least we’ll always have tacos. Or at least, we will until someone decides to “elevate” them with truffle oil and a $25 price tag.