KIND Bars and Kumbaya: Another Billionaire’s Quest to ‘Fix’ Politics

Oh, great. Another billionaire has decided to "fix" politics. Daniel Lubetzky, the man behind KIND bars—because nothing says "bridging divides" like overpriced granola—has launched the "Builders Movement," a nonprofit that promises to unite Americans by… rating politicians like Yelp reviews. Because if there’s one thing this country needs, it’s more scorecards from wealthy elites telling us who’s naughty and nice.

Lubetzky, a self-proclaimed "moderate independent" (translation: he donates to both sides so no one can call him out), claims he wants to end polarization. But let’s be real—this is just another billionaire vanity project. He’s got Mark Cuban, Karl Rove, and Katie Couric on board, which is basically the political equivalent of a mismatched buddy cop movie. Karl Rove, the architect of GOP dominance in Texas, is now preaching "common ground"? Next thing you know, Alex Jones will start selling meditation apps.

The Builders Movement’s big reveal? A poll showing that Texans actually agree on some things. Shocking! Apparently, 77% of Texans—including Republicans—think rape exceptions for abortion should exist. And two-thirds of Republicans support red flag laws. But don’t worry, GOP lawmakers will continue to ignore these findings because nothing says "freedom" like disregarding your own voters.

Lubetzky’s solution? More "civil discourse." Because clearly, the problem in American politics is that we’re just not talking nicely enough. Never mind the fact that social media algorithms are designed to make us hate each other—Lubetzky thinks the answer is… person-to-person interaction. Groundbreaking. Maybe he can host a bipartisan mixer where Ted Cruz and Beto O’Rourke bond over KIND bars and awkward small talk.

And let’s not forget the real kicker: Lubetzky’s group won’t disclose its funding. Because nothing builds trust like secrecy! But hey, at least it’s not as blatant as Elon Musk bankrolling Trump or George Soros backing progressive causes. No, this is different—it’s a "movement." A movement funded by a billionaire who thinks the key to unity is… more billionaires telling us how to behave.

So buckle up, folks. The Builders Movement is here to save democracy, one overpriced snack bar at a time. Because if there’s one thing Americans can agree on, it’s that we all love being lectured by rich guys with savior complexes.